I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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