Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Someone signed my nipple.
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