I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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