i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
