This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
