weddingsv make me drug and hornr
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
