I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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