i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just got carded by a ten year old.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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