You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
