Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize