I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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