God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm just crazy horny about you
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
