I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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