i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
