Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
