god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
It was confusing and full of hummus
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
