Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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