my mouth tastes like poor choices
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My pussy is not your playground.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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