then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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