I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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