were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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