ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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