Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
