I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I cut my penus on the lid.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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