The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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