I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
