I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
