his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize