Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
