We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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