so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got inside last night via doggy door
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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