i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Blood and glitter go together right?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize