Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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