There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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