i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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