Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
