every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
