remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
