When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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