went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize