I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
