i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
