I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize