I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
