Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
