why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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