I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
pray to the hookup gods
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
