i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
