I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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