we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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