Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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