im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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