i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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