the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
