So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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