Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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