Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
