Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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