I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
