He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
